how lonely is lonely?

Well it has been way too long since i have last posted something. i am not going to even bother with capitalization and grammar correctness. it is a friday night, april 3rd and there is a nice california breeze flowing through my windows and into my living room. i am alone, which is a very real concept that i have grown accustomed too. everyone always says isolation is overrated and i completely disagree, i love being alone, i love sitting and doing what i want to do. whether that be watching terrible television, reading a book i've read over 10 times (the messenger by markus zusak it is a great read) but i don't feel like i have to entertain anyone. so for the first few hours life is great. i feel like tom cruise in risky business, when he slides on the floor in his underwear. i would definitely try it but i don't have the balance to pull off some moves like that.
but after the first few hours it does start to wear on you. i began thinking way too much, i always wonder what my friends are doing and my exgirlfriends actually. i wonder if they ever think about me or if they ever look at their phone as much as i do. i always wonder if i'm going to end up alone, that is the biggest question i have about my life, well that and whats going to happen to me when i die? am i going to be that creepy friend your parents have that are by themselves and they are really nice and friendly but you always feel sorry for them. i do not want to end up that way. i mean that scares me more than anything. i don't know why i'm sitting here delving into my darkest fears to complete strangers... well probably stranger. my mind wanders when i'm by myself, it scares me most times but everyone once in awhile you'll come across a thought, an idea, or even a plot line to a story (mostly short stories, i drank way to much in my adolescent, okay it was yesterday) maybe it's just my imagination that takes off on me or maybe i'm brilliant with $100 million ideas. it's probably the first one. but to cut this blog short as sleep washes over my body, this has helped me relax for the the first time in i don't know how long. thank you for reading til the end i promise to write a much more meaningful blog in the future.